(credit to @RussInCheshire)
1. A lucky (legal term) week for Jacob Rees-Mogg, the brain of a tapeworm trapped in the body of another tapeworm, who moved £44m of his money out of a Russian bank only days before he sanctioned it. Phew!
2. Defence Sec Ben Wallace reminded a definitely terrified Putin that Britain had “kicked the backside of Tsar Nicholas I in 1853”, and we would do it again, grrrr
3. Remind me: how did the Charge of the Light Brigade work out?
4. And then Liz Truss (Cunk on Foreign Relations) gave her backing to any UK citizen travelling to Ukraine to fight
5. It is illegal for UK citizens to fight in any war UK isn’t involved in
6. So presumably we’re either now at war, or we have to arrest the Foreign Secretary
7. Since 2016 we’ve issued just 6 (six) fines for breaches of existing sanctions
8. There have been 132 proven breaches of British sections, but Tories ignored 126 of them
9. So Putin is probably even more scared of our sanctions regime than he is of shouty old Ben Wallace
10. EU sanctioned 350 people. We sanctioned 3. All 3 have been sanctioned by USA since 2018
11. Tories said they’d legislate to prevent shell companies being used to launder Russian money
12. But we’re not going to BEGIN that until the next session of parliament in 2023
13. Duplo Foreign Secretary Liz Truss was back to reassure us the Tory Party would keep the £2m of Russian donations since Johnson became PM. Phew!
14. She went onto explain sanctions weren’t happening faster because “clever lawyers” were delaying the move
15. An actual clever lawyer explained: law firms can’t hold up actions. Only a court can, and there have been no court orders to delay anything
16. Truss was asked to name the law firms she had claimed were delaying sanctions
17. She couldn’t name one. Not one.
18. Meanwhile Brendan Lewis (who got £25,000 from Russia) said Russians give us money “because they admire us”
19. To prove how admirable we are, we rolled out our world-class response to the refugee crisis
20. We started by refusing to set up safe routes for refugees
21. Then we stopped granting visas to Ukrainians
22. Then we issued guidance saying Ukrainian refugees who come here via a 3rd party country can’t claim asylum
23. But we also banned all direct flights, meaning it’s impossible to NOT come to UK via a 3rd country
24. Then Home Office minister Kevin Foster said he would help Ukrainians to escape death if they promised to pick fruit for him
25. Fruit-picking doesn’t begin until August, so I guess we’ll just have to ask Mr Putin to put his genocide on hold until the raspberries are ripe
26. Then the govt said asylum seekers need to pay a £95 fee and attend an in-person interview at a UK Embassy before being considered
27. And then we moved the Embassy
28. And then randy haystack Boris Johnson said Ukrainians could come here if they have family in the UK
29. But his definition of “family” didn’t include people over 18
30. Or the parents of people over 18
31. Or siblings
32. Not content with that, we then sent Home Office staff to Paris to turn back Ukrainians boarding the Eurostar to London
33. Then Johnson claimed “the UK is way out in front in helping refugees”
34. We offered £40 million aid to Ukraine
35. We also cut their aid to £0 last year
36. But we did shine the Ukrainian flag onto the front of Downing Street, for the virtue signalling fans amongst you
37. The 4000 refugees we grudgingly helped out of Afghanistan last year are still having to survive on £40 a week and living in B&Bs, whilst being legally prevented from working.
38. Not one of them – not one – has had their asylum application completed yet
39. This is mainly because Sauron's gnome Priti Patel has actively gutted our asylum system
40. James Cleverley defended Russians in UK politics, saying “do you think dual nationals should be denied a vote?”
41. He denied a vote to EU dual nationals in the Brexit referendum
42. What else happened since Wed? Oh yes: PartyGate, and Boris Johnson told his cabinet he “wants to give his side of the story” about events
43. Previous versions of his side of the story are now presented in this fun little sub-thread, as if things aren't stressful enough
He has claimed:
a. The parties didn’t happen
b. They did happen but weren’t organised
c. They were organised, but were work events
d. Johnson didn’t know about the work evens
e. Johnson knew, but didn’t attend
f. He attended, but after 25 minutes figured out people drinking booze from a suitcase while a DJ played meant this probably WASN’T a work event
g. He apologised to the Queen for doing something wrong
h. He denied doing anything wrong
i. Then he shouted “Savile” and ran away
44. Anyhooo, back to the main thread: and the latest story is that taxpayer’s money wasn’t used for any of the booze at the "work events"
45. Which means they can’t have been work events, because work events are – complex stuff, but try to keep up, Nadine – PAID FOR BY WORK
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“The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.” - George Orwell -
