home about dictionarymobile mode
Click to enlarge

Posts: 8769

Back to the board Next Post Reply

posted on 4/2/2022 17:49"two f**king days" - Gramsci.

@RussInCheshire been busy

1. Operation Save Big Dog reached the “eating his own faeces in the garden” stage, as his aides “strongly advised” Johnson not to lie about Starmer and Savile, then he did it anyway 
2. He said he had nothing to apologise for, and raising Savile was “the right thing to do”
 
3. His aides threatened to resign if he didn’t apologise
 
4. Instead of apologising, he said everyone had misunderstood him, cos yeah Boris, WE’RE the problem here 
5. Johnson’s sentient comfort blanket Michael Gove said it was a “slip of the tongue under pressure”, even though Johnson had rehearsed it in front of advisors before PMQ
 
6. Munira Mirza resigned. She was described as “Boris Johnson’s brain”, so thankfully we haven’t lost much 
7. Johnson said he was “very sad she’s decided to leave”
 
8. He then claimed her leaving was his grand plan all along
 
9. His comms manager said “We’re very sorry Munira has decided to leave No 10”
 
10. And then his comms manager immediately quit too
 
11. Then 3 other aides quit 
12. So Johnson compared himself to a lunatic monkey from the Lion King *on purpose*
 
13. And then a flange of spineless Tories started claiming Johnson forced resignations cos of his aides' roles in parties
 
14. Two of them hadn’t even been aides when the parties happened 
15. Rubik’s gob****e Dominic Raab said lying to parliament about paedophilia was “the normal cut and thrust” of politics
 
16. And bestial antique dildo Jacob Rees-Mogg said the real problem in public life wasn’t the PM lying, but people “doubting the PM’s faith and honesty” 
17. And then, having lost all his chief advisors, offended every one of Savile’s victims, been bollocked by the Speaker, called himself a gibbering ape, and forced most of his venal backbenchers to lie for him, Johnson tried to withdraw his remarks about Starmer anyway 
18. After which, seemingly still in the dark about, yknow ... reality... James Cleverly, a dazzlingly effective one-man campaign to disprove nominative determinism, went on radio to still defend the Savile claims
 
19. Major Tory figures: “What a ****show”
 
20. “It’s Armageddon” 
21. “Johnson and his Poundland cabinet. You think it can’t get more ridiculous, and somehow he seems to make it worse”
 
22. “The problem isn’t just Boris. The problem is the party that chose him. They'll want Liz Truss next, not a frightfully good idea, to put it mildly” 
23. So Johnson, a punctured bin-bag full of custard and Viagra, claimed Lynton Crosby was coming back to run No 10
 
24. This was a surprise to not only Crosby, but to No 10, who'd had no warning
 
25. Crosby said he’d answer the phone if Johnson called, but wouldn’t work for him 
26. More than a dozen Tory MPs have called for him to go, which means over 300 of the ****-spackled goons still think this is all fine
 
27. Moving on: now we’re free from the stranglehold of the evil EU, energy prices rose 54%
 
28. In EU-dominated France they rose 4% 
29. Rishi Sunak, a YTS kid who boasted he knew how to defuse a bomb and now has to style it out, said he had to raise energy prices
 
31. In UK, Shell made a 14-fold increase in profits and paid rich shareholders $8bn
 
30. France taxed oil profits rather than put up prices 
32. Sunak couldn’t be arsed to chase a piddling £5 bn just last week
 
33. But he generously gave every household a £200 “rebate”
 
34. Except it’s not rebate, it’s a loan - basically bribing poor voters with their own money while Shell pays itself billions to destroy the planet 
35. And Sunak simultaneously cost every household £2,875
 
36. The Bank of England predicted inflation will reach 7%
 
37. So ministers told people not to ask for pay rises
 
38. Then the *next day* ministers told off the Bank of England for urging people not to ask for pay rises 
39. GDP forecasts were slashed for the 11th year in 12 years of Tory rule
 
40. And Uncle Fester cosplayer Therese Coffey won't release a report into lives of low-income people cos “it is necessary to protect the private space” of ministers who'd be affected by negative coverage 
41. Brexit news: and once again our national experiment with the bounds of sanity broke international law in NI
 
42. Liz Truss said she’d have it all resolved in a month
 
43. Boris Johnson secretly told the DUP there was a less than 30% chance of it *ever* being resolved 
44. The Stormont leader resigned in protest, imperilling the entire shared NI govt
 
45. Johnson said the NI protocol was “crazy”
 
46. Johnson had personally negotiated it, signed it, and forced it through Parliament without scrutiny, having already cancelled our democracy once 
47. Meanwhile chaos at channel ports continues, with emergency traffic measures being triggered 11x more this year than has ever happened since records began
 
48. Jacked-up Pob doll Michael Gove published his long-awaited “Levelling Up” plans to help poor regions 
49. It gives wealthy areas 10 x more funding than poor regions
 
50. Much of his plan was copied directly from Wikipedia
 
51. The rest was copied directly from Theresa May’s 2017 regeneration plan, which failed completely
 
52. The IFS said Gove’s masterplan was “unlikely to work” 
53. The CBI chairman said “it is simply not good enough”
 
54. And in total, it provides less money than the Tories have cut from poor areas in the last 2 years alone, and which themselves were on the back of 10 years of record-breaking austerity. Happy Levelling Up, Red Wallers! 
55. So these economic masterminds have given us the worst collapse in household incomes for 30 years ... which was last time they were in charge
 
56. Theresa May, who cut arts funding by 50%, wrote to her local council to complain about them closing local arts facilities 
57. And the official statistics authority reprimanded Johnson and Rosa Klebb tribute act Priti Patel for lying about a 14% fall in crime, cos it’s actually gone up by 14%
 
58. This is all in just two days. Two. Two ****ing days.


- “The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.” - George Orwell -